Here’s the situation:

I’m in the Apple Store waiting for my Genius Bar appointment. The customer next to me is asking too many questions about how an external harddrive works. This irritates me. The customer finally gives in and agrees to purchase. She pulls out $200 in cash and notices that one of the bills is slightly damaged. This begins a conversation between her and the genius about the legality of defacing currency. The customer insists it is illegal. The genius claims it is legal, but thoroughly damaged bills are not usable. The customer says flat out “you’re wrong.” At this point, the genius should have shut his mouth, nodded, and smiled. Meanwhile, the genius produces the customer’s change. The transaction is complete… or so the genius thought. He decided to get one more line in: “here it’s legal… i don’t know about Soviet Russia though…”

Big mistake.

I understand the joke the genius was trying to make. The customer didn’t.

“I’m not comfortable purchasing from you. I’d like to return this.”

Silence while the genius goes through the return process. The customer takes her money and leaves.

Here are the lessons I learned as a result of my rude eavesdropping (from 1 foot away):

1. A transaction is never final.

A customer is still a customer even after money is exchanged and a receipt is printed. One must remain professional throughout the sale to ensure the customer is happy upon exiting the store.

2. NEVER joke around strangers.

You may think you’re hilarious. Your friends too. South Park may mock a certain country. Maybe you agree with Parker and Stone’s opinions. That does not guarantee that your customer has seen the same episode, or that his self esteem is identical to yours. My guess is the customer in the above scenario was the daughter of Russian immigrants who witnessed the nightmare of 20th century Communism. Yes, we joke about it (“in Soviet Russia, car drives you!”), but we forget that for millions it wasn’t a joke.

2.5 Thank heavens I don’t work in retail anymore.